"You were such a good kid."
My Mother said that to me yesterday and it's been stuck in my craw ever since. Comments like these that make my hackles go up, because "good kid" is a very specific thing, one that you might muck up if you don't know the rules well enough. So, let me tell you.
The first and biggest rule of being a good kid is to be quiet. You don't jump around and make a big fuss at events (even if all the other kids are and that's what you're supposed to do). You don't go talk to kids you know at school events, you sit neatly between your parents. Even when your parents aren't there anymore, you know you had better heed their rules or there'll be a whooping for you if they hear about it. So, even when it's just you and other kids, you sit at the back of the room with a smile and nothing to say, like more of a chaperone than anything else. (In my case, I was ten and this was both the first and last time I played with other kids outside of school. And all I heard from my 'friends' was "What's wrong with you? Why are you so shy? Why don't you want to do anything?") Even your TEACHERS are put off by how quiet you are, and that you'd rather eat in her classroom than the cafeteria. They never have to tell you to quiet down. But they're actually a little concerned, and mention it to your parents at the conference. And then your parents praise you for being so good in class and how cute it is that you prefer your teacher's company.
Almost equal to quietness is obedience. Believe me, this is a big one. The overwhelming responsibility to NOT MAKE PARENTS ANGRY/SAD/DISAPPOINTED was planted deep and early. So you're trying to please them even when they aren't there. Like when your friend's mom is taking everyone to the video rental shop (this was the same day as the situation I mentioned above) and you forgot your coat, so you are just about in tears the whole car ride, despite the adult telling you that it's not that cold and you'll be outside for all of five seconds. But that doesn't matter, that's not the point, she doesn't understand. You stay right beside your friend's mom the whole time you're in the store, paranoid that your parents are going to come in and see you without a coat. You're so visibly anxious that your friend offers to let you wear her coat, but no, that's not my coat, she'll know.
The third rule is to be mature. Be so mature that you get oodles of compliments and people gaping at how you're twelve when they thought you had to be a young looking fifteen-year-old, at least. Be mature enough to listen to your mom when she needs to talk about the horrendously abusive situation you live in that she doesn't know how to get you out of. Listen when she tells you how much she hates your dad, but loves him, but hates him. Listen when she's telling you how tired she is of your older brothers, her step-sons. Listen when she tells you you're her favorite. Listen when she tells you the reason your dad has been especially moody lately; it's because she doesn't want to have sex anymore. Listen when she tells you she wants to swallow a whole bottle of pills sometimes and you're the only thing stopping her. You'll especially want to remember that, so you can hurry and check on her every time you hear a bottle of pills rattle for the next three years.
The fourth and final rule is to remember your parents need you. They might threaten to abandon you or send you away fifty times, but they probably don't mean it and might apologize later. They might take you out of public school to homeschool you, do that so improperly there's no way you're gonna get into college, isolate you, and then shrug their shoulders. After all, you agreed to it when you were twelve. They might call you horrible names and say unthinkable things about you for the littlest of reasons. You're the only thing they have to live for, and when you say "hurtful things" (such as you'd rather have went to public school, or you feel like you don't even know your dad), it cuts them too deep. Remember, they need you.
Edit: I honestly don't know what to say. For this post to get so much positive feedback...it just makes my heart swell. It's not even the upvotes, it's all the comments and messages telling me, "you're not wrong, and you are heard." I don't even know. I've never been told I was right in contrast to my parent's actions, ever, by anyone. I also haven't been heard. Thank you all so much.